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LOTS, and LOTS, and LOTS of HE HEs

========================

For My People" - Rated PG

Four men-an East Indian, a Jamaican, a Native American, and a white

man-gathered at the top of a 30-story building.

The East Indian said, "This is for my people," and jumped off.

The Jamaican said, "This is for my people," and jumped off.

The Native American said, "This is for my people," and pushed the white man off.

And you thought you knew everything...

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

6. There are more chickens than people in the world.

7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.

15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

17. There are only four words in the English language which end in

     "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert

      the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube

      and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

----------------------------

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor

traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after

endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge

only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have

to return.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His Honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared,

"Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's what for!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge said, "It's all right.

You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words!"

-----------

"The Blue Suit" - Rated R



A woman went into a funeral home to make arrangements for her

husband's funeral. She told the director that she wanted her husband

to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asked, "Wouldn't it just be

easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"



"No," she insisted as she handed him a check to buy a dark blue

suit. "It must be blue."



When she came back for the wake, she saw her husband in the coffin,

and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit. She told the director how

much she loved the suit and asked how much it cost. He

said, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing

happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in wearing

a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked

the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a

black suit. She said that was fine with her, so I switched the heads."

------------

" Fluctuations- Rated R



An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with

2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in

with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got

less money that week than the previous week.



The teller said, "Fluctuations."



The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned

around  and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

-----------

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the

aspirin bottle:



Take two ... and keep away from children!

--------------------



"Angel Boobs" - Rated PG



The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon

when he noticed a young woman in the front row. She was wearing a

tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't

concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service

and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else had left the

church.



When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest voice, "Just

what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"



"Why reverend," the young thing replied. "All of my boyfriends tell

me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my

breasts."



"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head

between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and

said, "I don't hear any angels singing!"



"Of course not, reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

-----------

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM!

BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender's having a slow night and

appreciates the business, but is also concerned.



"Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?""



The guy answers, "I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my

wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I hung a

weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream."



The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another.  "So you came

home and found cream on the weight?"



The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, "It's worse than that. The

cream had been churned into butter."

----------

- Bowling -



I am a terrible bowler but because my husband really enjoys the sport  I tag

along.  While I waited my turn I adjusted my wrist brace. I felt a tug on my

shirt, when I looked down a young girl asked sympathetically what happened to

my wrist.  "Nothing I replied, I just wear this to help me bowl better."

Later as I walked away from the lane after one of the worst games I have ever

played I noticed the girl standing at the end waiting for me.  As I walked up

next to her she curled her finger indicating she want to talk with me.  I

bent down and she whispered to me.  "I don't think it's working!"

---------------------

She was soooooooooooooooo blonde:

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She thought General Motors was in the Army.

 She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

 Under "Education" on her job application, she put

"Hooked On Phonics."

She tried to drown a fish.

 She tripped over a cordless phone.

 She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can

 because it said concentrate.

 She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

 She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".

 At the bottom of the application, where it says "sign here,"

 she put "Sagittarius".

 She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

 It took her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".

 She studied for a blood test and failed.

 She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train".

 She sold the car for gas money!

 When she saw the "NC-17 under 17 not admitted" she

 went back and got 16 friends.

 When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around

 the home,she moved.

 She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

 When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

 When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left,"

 she turned around &  went  home.

 She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

 We'll miss her.

-------------------------------

 Makes ya say hmmm









If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does he

 become disoriented?

 Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

 What do people in China call their good plates?

 What do you call a male ladybug?

 What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

 When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

 Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

 Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

 Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't

drink and  drive?

 Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

 Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

 Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of

 parachutes?

 Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

 How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

 If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it

have locks on the door?

 Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

 You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?

Why  don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

 If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what

 does a  freedom fighter fight?

 If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

 If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your

headlights on,  what happens?

 Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

 Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a

 shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called

cargo?

 What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

 Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

 If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

 If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?



-------------------------------------------------------

herlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip,

set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later,

Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."



Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking,

it tells me that

there are millions of galaxies and potentially

billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Timewise, it appears to

be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically,

it's evident the

Lord is all powerful and we are small and

insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful

day tomorrow. What does it tell

you?"  Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Watson, you idiot,

someone has stolen our tent."

-----------------------------

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the

doctor does his history and physical,

he discovers that his poor patient has had practically

every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL

no improvement.



"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the

advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I

learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've

gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine,

I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while.

Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I

can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a

little.



Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom,

and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have

sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately

gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."



Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc!

I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had

migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has

ever helped me!"



"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."



"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice

house."

-----------------------

"Genie In A Bottle."  Rated G -

A man is walking down a beach, and accidentally kicks a bottle out of

the sand. He opens the bottle, and a genie appears.

The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will

grant you one wish. I can only grant one."

The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to

go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because airplanes are much too

frightening for me and boats make me seasick. So I wish for a road to

be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I can't do it.

Imagine all the work involved. All the piling to hold up the highway needed

and all the pavement. Ask for something else."

"Well," the man said. "I would like to be able to understand women.

What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so

difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie considered this for a couple of minutes and said, "So, do you

want two lanes or four?"

-----------------------

One of Us" - Rated R



A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some

pitiful yankee queer.



The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are

ya? Where ya from, boy?"



The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."



The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"



The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."



The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"



The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."



The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay

boys, he's one of us! "

-----------------

If AOL was a City



 1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.

 2. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time

    you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

 3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be

    assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you

    great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.

 4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time

    you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you

    back into your yard.

 5. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known

    resident.

 6. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you

    move.

 7. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later

    with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."

 8. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store

    by a bouncer screaming, "We're Sorry, This Store is Temporarily

    Unavailable"

 9. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your

    license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.

10. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another

    bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal

    operation.

11. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new

    arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with

    garbage, and vacate before sun-up.

12. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park,

    and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start

    demanding money.

----------------

ONLY IN AMERICA !



Only In America... can pizza get to your house faster than an

ambulance.



Only In America...are there handicap parking places in front of a

skating rink.



Only In America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the

back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can

buy cigarettes at the front.



Only In America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries

and a diet coke.



Only In America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the

pens to the counters.



Only In America...do we leave cars worth tens of thousands of dollars

in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.



Only In America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and

then have Call Waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't

want to talk to in the first place.



Only In America...do we buy hotdogs in packages of ten and buns in

packages of eight.



Only In America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the

process so well:  "Poli" in Latin meaning "many"  and "tic" meaning

"bloodsucking" creatures.



Only In America...do they have driveup ATM machines with Braille

lettering.



Only In America...can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard

box and a draft dodger live in a White House.

--------------------------

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the

market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a

special rooster - one that could service all of his many hens

and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor

replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the

horniest rooster you will ever see!"



So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him

loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk.

"Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And

without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.



Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a

thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying,

till Randy had finished having his way with each hen.



But Randy didn't stop there; he went in to the barn and mounted

all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.



Then he went to the pigpen, where he did the same. The farmer,

watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy,

you'll kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each

farm animal in the same manner.



Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his

lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled

back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already

circling above Randy.



The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look

what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you,

little buddy."



"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer"

-----------------------

A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him.

He takes off his shirt and the woman says "What a great a chest you

have", The bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs.. of dynamite". He takes

off his pants and the woman says "What massive calves you have", the

bodybuilder tells her   "That's 1000 lbs.. of dynamite".

He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and

screaming out of the apartment. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and

chases after her. He finally catches up to her  and asks her why she ran out of the

apartment. The woman replies, "I  was afraid to be around all that

dynamite after I saw what a short  fuse you have".

----------------

   A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to

Play a  "guessing" game. She  passed out different items to each of

  the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they

  received.

  When it was the new boy, Jimmy's turn, the teacher gave

  him a candy kiss. She asked "Do you know what it is?" Jimmy

  replied "No". The teacher said,"Go ahead and open it up and  taste it."

  Little Jimmy did so. The teacher then asked, "Now do you know

What  it  is?"

  Little Jimmy said "Nooooo."

  The teacher said, "I"ll give you a hint; it is something your

  daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work.

  A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams..

   "JIMMY, SPIT IT OUT.........IT'S A PIECE OF ASS."

----------------------

This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long

time.  I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a

true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a

recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to

say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently

suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I

know why they record these conversations!)

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went

away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does

have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power

cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into

the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were

two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find

the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the

back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because

it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is

coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your

computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it

was

when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

---------------------------

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her to the bank.  They

were standing in line behind a rather obese lady.  As the mother

patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the woman in front of him and

observed loudly,  "Hey, Mom, she's really fat." The lady looked at

Johnny, then made eye contact with his mother and  gave an understanding

smile.  Lil' Johnny received a reprimand from his mother.

After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will

go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is 'that' wide."  At this the lady

glared at Johnny.  His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.

Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat

hangs over her belt."  The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control

her child and so his mother threatened him with severe bodily harm.

Then the lady's pager goes off and starts beeping.  Lil' Johnny yelled

in a panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your life, she's backing

up!!"

-----------

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly

Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he

looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies,

perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old

man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never

blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten

$100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour

whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie.

Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two

nights in a row and that there were no discounts.

It was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the

money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left

an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one

could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money

and up to the room they went.At the end of the hour

Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used

my services three nights in a row... where are you

from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."

"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who

lives there."

"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000

to give to you.

---------------------

A woman and a man are involved in a car  accident; it's

a bad  one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but

amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman  says, "So

you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman.

Wow, just  look at our cars! There's nothing left, but

Fortunately  we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that

we should  meet and be friends and live together in peace

for the rest  of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree  with you

completely! This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's

another miracle.

My car is completely demolished but this bottle

of wine didn't  break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine

and celebrate our  good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man

nods his head in  in agreement, opens it and drinks half the

bottle and then  hands the it back to the woman. The woman takes

the bottle,  immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it

back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Moral of the story:

Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.